I had to take a few days (ok, a week and a half) off because I was getting too stressed about this whole thing. Also, I was sick, but that’s just a convenient coincidence. The sick allowed me to feel fine with the not working. Sick allowed me to forgive myself for not punishing myself for my laziness and fragility (as demonstrated by the panicking). Sick sucks, but it was exactly what I needed.
Now that I’m fewer than 100 days from the test and home from a weekend with my family for a wedding, it’s time to get back at it. It’s time to get back to work and get things done.
I think I’m going to give myself the rest of this week to finish re-reading and highlighting my Logical Reasoning book, then get back to the preptests. I’ll finish the last two or three of the really old ones (1990s tests) I bought earlier this year, then move on to the much newer ones I bought last week, which i think also include the Comparative Reading section.
I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
I’ve now re-read the chapters on conditional reasoning and justify questions and I’m feeling better. I think I’ll need to read them again and again, but I’m getting there. I’m feeling a little better about this whole thing, or at least the panic is a little better today. I don’t know if the relaxing is a result of the preparation or the fact that I’ve started ellipticalling again in addition to biking several miles a day with both kids in the trailer. It seems most likely that it’s a combination of both.
Either way, today I’m feeling less insecure, less stupid, and more capable. I can totally do this.
I’m consistently struggling with the same logical reasoning problem type, so I’ve decided to suck it up and go back over a few chapters in the Logical Reasoning Bible. I’m reading all the text and doing all the exercises so I can get this down pat. I’ve gotten to the point where I can do the Reading Comprehension timed and score over 90% and the Games are getting faster and more accurate as well. It’s just the LR holding be back now and I’m not going to let it. I will win this thing!
Yesterday evening the boys and I walked over to a neighbor’s house to check out their in-home daycare. I’m considering sending them there for the week immediately before the LSAT so I can study intensively without distraction.
This is big step for me because it’s the beginning of a real commitment to taking the LSAT this December instead of chickening out and waiting until next February or even June. I’m making a financial commitment to this neighbor (about $350 for two kids under three for five full weekdays) and letting more people in my immediate life know about my plans, thus upping the accountability.
The daycare seemed like a great fit, even if the kids are going to be there for just a week. They’ll have fun and the lady who runs it seems great. But I’m still scared. Committing to this means committing not only to this administration of the LSAT, but, because the sole reason I’m doing it is to spend a week studying intensely with no distractions, I need to make this additional (and technically not required) investment worth it. There’s pressure now to get as much out of this free time as possible, not waste a single second (or penny) being distracted or practicing inefficiently.
Yet more fear. Part of me wonders if I’m this freaked out about just the LSAT, how will I fare in actual law school, where every day will entail classwork or prepping for tests, all of which will seem as significant as this one? How will I do when I’m not just giving up my evenings with my children, but weekends and some weekdays (though they will be in school full-time when/if I do go to school) and the stakes, the need for success to prove that this isn’t some horrible selfish thing, are so much higher?
I have to keep reminding myself this over and over and over and over….
Just because I missed one I felt certain was correct does not mean I am stupid. It means I need to review that concept to figure out what I misunderstood and use the new information to do better next time.
Just because I missed several in a row does not mean I am stupid. It means I have a few concepts I need to work on yet, that I need to take more time, that I need to read more carefully, that I need to relax, that I need to focus…
Just because I missed some that the answer helper sites say are “easy” does not mean I am stupid. It means my strengths lay elsewhere and I have found something new to work on.
I am not stupid.
I can do this.
There are about 123 days until the December LSAT and I’m suddenly doing worse. I’ve bombed two games in a row that should have been easy, when in the past few weeks I’ve had no trouble at all with those. I’m panicking.